Why can’t I cut deeper?

I wanna cut deeper, I wanna hit beans again, and I want my every cut to hit deep dermis. I don’t understand why so much fear gets built up whenever I try.

I wish I wasn’t so pathetic either, cause I feel like that contributes to why I can’t do it. I’m just a coward.

I need to at least try harder to cut deeper, cause the pain it gives me is so mesmerizing, and plus it’s only temporary after all so what am I so worried about?