Im 15M

I am really depressed and haven't been diagnosed with anything but having childhood trauma has always helped in understanding and wanting to die more, it started when i was 12 , i went through a really traumatic experience and tried to stab myself with a dull pocket knife, i failed and didn't almost didn't bleed at all , now for 2 years i have been sh , i have trouble going deeper that surface level cuts because i am using rusty chipped or dulled razorblades and the friction is awful, i have 3 suicide attempts and i have kept this and all my trauma 99% secret from everyone else , even though i feel alone most of the time