does anyone else feel like this?

hey guys, this is my first post here :) i was wondering if anyone else feels the way i do about sh?

i'm a bit of a coward– i'm terrible at cutting. i can barely work up the courage to do it, and even when i do, it's random slashes and stabs. not deliberate and clean like in those videos people post sometimes (mostly on shtwt). it helps release some of the self-hatred, ykwim? like taking my anger out on myself. but my favourite part is the feeling of taking care of those scars, of disinfecting and wrapping them and feeling the tenderness in the freshly cut skin and the ache in my limb that won't go away.

i love the scars. i'm so much kinder to myself afterward– yes, i've fucked up, but i've punished myself now, i've paid for my mistakes. i don't know. i haven't cut in quite a bit, but i'm feeling the urge to do it again. i'm a real pussy about it, but like i said, i love that feeling afterwards. sorry if this is incoherent lol, i didn't really sleep enough last night... but does anyone know what i mean?